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Motherhood and pregnancy is – most of the time - a magical time. For me, that ended pretty swiftly one day when a NCT ‘friend’ asked if I was ‘boobing’ my baby to sleep. I stopped for a minute just to make sure I had heard her correctly. BOOBING to sleep? I can only presume she was asking if I was breastfeeding.
Since then I have very strong feelings about ‘mummy lingo’ – here are my top 19 phrases that literally make my blood boil.
Pass me the Zimmer frame - I'm essentially being told I'm so old that I'll probably die soon.
2."Breast is best"
Usually uttered by women who have had no problem whatsoever breastfeeding. The underlying implication is that you have "failed" if you haven't quite taken to it. And God forbid if you just decide breastfeeding isn’t for you…..
What am I? An old, shrivelled up cow?
Just. Don't. Even. Go. There.
All it actually does is demoralises women by suggesting that once you have a baby your brain shrivels up.
Whatever next? Porcupine mum?
...Failed Vaginal Delivery, Failed Forceps. Since when did motherhood get so competitive?
Particularly awful if used as a reference to oneself. It’s vanity taken to the extreme. Also, what exactly is a yummy mummy? Someone who has time to brush their hair and wipe baby sick off their shoulder?!
Health visitors are particularly guilty of this. Read and learn: I AM NOT YOUR BLOODY MUMMY (Rupert - when you are old enough to read this, I am your mummy. Please don't get confused.)
Does this suggest that those who work aren't also full time mums?!
Excuse me? Having anymore what? Roast beef? Baked potatoes?! Pudding? This phrase should only be used around the family dinner table. It should NEVER be used to enquire about the sex life/reproductive organs of a new mother.
Why can't people just use the ACTUAL world to describe something? Isn't that what the English language was invented for? Are mumsnetters simple "too busy puree-ing baby food"' to write a WHOLE WORD?
As though those who don't sleep with/ wear their babies are not attached to them.
14. Baby wearing
Since when did your baby become a piece of clothing?!
This new (sorry, I was just sick in my mouth) way of describing "natural" parenting e.g. baby wearing, breastfeeding, cloth nappies, home schooling, etc. Doesn't crunchy parenting just sound like Alpen?
Is it really that impossible to get a daddy to look after a child that it has to be acknowledged when he does. What about bloody mummy-all- around - clock- every- waking- hour- day care?
Down where?
A sure fire way to make a women sound like a vessel.
I overheard a father turn to his wife in a café and actually say “I think the baby needs some mummy juice.” I can only presume he was talking about ‘milk.’ Is it just me or does this make anyone else want to retch?!
Have I missed anything off the list? Let us know by commenting below or heading over to Instagram @abbymoriuk
About Tiffany
Tiffany Wright is a Journalist and TV Presenter. She writes for national women’s magazines including Grazia, Brides and Cosmo and regularly appears on TV as a wedding and Romance Expert. She is mother to her vivacious toddler Rupert and is expecting her second child (a little girl!) in June.
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